she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
