after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
