I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
