Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
