I think i peed on brittanys purse
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize