Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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