I'm gonna have a badass scar
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Randomize