I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize