Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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