I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
