If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
