I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
