Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
