am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
