She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
