I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
