Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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