apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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