I just gift wrapped bread.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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