remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
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