While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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