he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
