I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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