I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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