Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
