I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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