I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
