nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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