took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
