I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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