I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
