conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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