Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
