I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
