So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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