the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
