DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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