its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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