How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
