So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
