I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
