as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
