I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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