whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
