Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
