im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
