The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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