my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
She bit a glass in half.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
