he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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