i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
