A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
