there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
