That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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