i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
