I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
