Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
